Introducing UFC2: Ultimate Finch Fighting Championships

For some insane reason there are still people out there who get their jollies out of seeing animals dismantle each other. On top of that, they have to sully God's gift of gambling and throw that into the mix, too.

Fortunately, sometimes we can do something about it. Michael Vick (or as I fondly refer to him as Ron Mexico) is still feeling the sting from the 'tough love' of NFL commish Roger Goodell as he is conditionally reinstated to the league after he was punished for his own 'tough love' on the performers of his dog-fighting ring.

On the other hand, it's a sad fact that there will probably always be underground cock-fighting circuits. As long as you have a large enough group of twisted individuals, you're always going to have a draw for those events. Just think of how the donkey shows have survived for so long.

But imagine my disbelief when I read something I thought was much stranger than any of the sordid events listed above. In Connecticut, 19 people were arrested and over 150 small birds were seized, as police stormed a home in New Haven and broke up a "finch fighting ring."

We're talking tiny birds. Canaries, saffron finches and other small birds were put up against each other. Reports said that around $8,000 was exchanged in the gambling side of it all.

Wow. So this is what the world has come to. Not that I mean the Earth in general is going nuts. We all know that nature - in all its beauty and splendor - provides to us some of the most violent and brutal animal battles in the name of sustenance, mating rights and territorial domination. Simple things. Also, it's a known fact that birds typically don't like each other. I grew up watching cardinals and blue jays battle it out for seed on my front porch. But geez, never would I have thought to call up 18 other Brazilian dudes and have them over for a nice Sunday afternoon of watching 'Woodstock' and 'Tweety Bird' going at it.

After I offered this story up for some friends, my buddy Sean from Corpus Christi responded with a concept that I also had running around in my head.

"Here comes the UFFC. The Ultimate Finch Fighting Championships! I can see it
now, a little octagon made of woven sticks and a little chicken wire."

Not a bad idea. But that league will need a nice card for opening night or else it will tank like EliteXC. So here are a few decent match ups I think might draw attention.

Fight #1: Three-Way Tag Team Match

'The Three Caballeros' vs. 'The Goodfeathers'

Despite the back alley upbringing of Bobby, Squit and Pesto, I have to give this match to the 'Caballeros'. Roosters already have a fighter's reputation, ducks are known to be feisty, and I myself have battle scars from run-ins with parrots.

Fight #2: 'Woody Woodpecker'' vs. 'Road Runner'

To most analysts, this would be a "push". It's tough to pick a winner between all-out speed versus all-out tenacity. But considering that the 'Runner' has been outwitting a super-genius coyote for 50 years, I'd have to give this fight to the speedy one.

Fight #3: 'Heckle and Jeckle' vs. 'The Crows from "Dumbo"'

The magpies are pretty slick, but if this thing turns into a street fight, you gotta go with the Crow. There's five of them.

Fight #4: UFC2 Championship

'Henery the Chicken Hawk' vs. 'The Twitter Bird'

It's either the best pound-for-pound small bird fighter against the mascot of the most popular social media site at the time. Push.

All kidding aside, I certainly hope that the recent publicity of such a strange and grim case of animal cruelty doesn't spark a mad dash for small cage birds for the purposes of fighting. It's fun to see a bird pecking at a cat or dog, but not at each other for sport.

And as for the Ron Mexico fiasco, I have a thing to say to all those writers and apologists who think the NFL's reinstatement plan is unfair to Michael Vick. Grow up and realize that we're not just talking about a guy who killed dogs. We're talking about a sadist who got pleasure out of his crimes, because he felt that it was a necessary part of his new gangster lifestyle. Those types of criminals do not belong in the league or deserve the free passes that most athletes get. Those apologists want to stop at the dogfighting argument. What else might have Vick been responsible for if he wasn't checked on this?

Okay, I'm climbing down from my soapbox now.

Well gang, thank you for reaching this point of the blog and tolerating my silly concepts. You are all good people.

Baseball on TV: Balls, Strikes & Eye Candy

Anytime I sit down to enjoy my beloved Houston Astros on television, I always get caught up in how modern technology has made the viewing experience exponentially better every year. High definition, an army of cameras, the ungodly number of obscure statistics that are flashed on the screen - all of these things help make a game shown 164 times seem original every night.

One aspect of the televised game that I particularly enjoy are the crowd cutaways. As a sports broadcaster I learned that those cutaways are necessary in producing a smooth flowing report to break up the highlights and tell the story. But thanks to my Samsung HD LCD, crowd shots give me an opportunity to really take a look at the cross section of people who make it out to see the Astros. Who knows, maybe I'll see someone I know. Perhaps something humorous will happen in that split second when the fans are seen. Or maybe I'll catch someone in an act of trying to be inconspicuous as he ogles the woman next to him - which is what happened here... http://twitpic.com/9ym5f. Thank you, DVR.

We'll get back to that 'eye in the sky' in just a minute, but the reason I wanted to sit down and write this note was to express my approval of a new promotions segment that Fox Sports Net has rolled out in its Major League Baseball coverage.

Most of you probably first saw him in an ESPN vignette when the season first started, but the Batting Stance Guy now dons your local team's jersey and mimics the team's players' stances in a tease for the post game show. It's finally made it's way down to Texas.

To me, that graphic is more entertaining than any absurd question that Geico Trivia can churn out. Sad to say, but history lessons aren't really the candy that today's baseball-watching youngun will go for. It's all about what's now, who's playing this year. And there's a guy out there on the internet that just happens to have the ability to imitate their batting stances to near-perfection. Fox Sports did a very good job in introducing something that is both innovative, original, and attention-grabbing. Not bad for a guy who cleverly states that his work is "the least marketable skill in America." The only shame in all of it is that the stance is used to tease the postgame show. I don't know about you, but I am a huge Astros fan, but I can't remember any time that I have actually stuck around to watch a postgame show.

But let me take this time to propose another promotion to use in the game. More often than not there is an attractive female perched in the seats right behind home plate, which means there's a lot of face time involved. Now, whether it be the case that the girl knows that she'll be seen, or perhaps her date recommends it, but it's very common that said-female will dress to impress. These days, the viewer can spot the trend that cameras shooting at the game will gravitate toward these women. This is where I believe a marketing opportunity lies.

To most it would be the "random hot girl at the game", but if I was involved in the marketing decisions with FSN, I'd bring in a client like Hooters (or if all else fails, a local gentlemen's club), and call it their "Top Prospect of the Game." Back that up with a Twitter-based conversation during the game and maybe a 15-second in-game spot with the company logo. Wouldn't it be great to have Bill Brown and Jim DeShaies bring in a little commentary on that plug 160 times a year? Throw in a gift certificate for the woman while you're at it. She gets a little exposure and some monetary value, the client gets its name out there, and we all enjoy a little eye candy. Everbody wins.

Call it sexist, but we've seen it done before - just without a sponsor. Remember how many times Colt McCoy's girlfriend was plastered all over the Longhorn game broadcasts on ESPN and FOX?

I rest my case. And, I think it would work.

Until next time,

AX

Car Chases: The Untapped Marketing Well

Well, folks. I humbly lay this text submission before you as a sign of courage. You see, this is the first time in almost two years that I have sat down to write a full, thought out blog in the interests of your entertainment and the expansion of my budding creative skills. For months now I have been hesitant to write down my ramblings, because quality is what I strive for and during that time I didn't want to put anything out there that fell short of that.

But here I am. Ready to step out into the world once again. I do hope you enjoy.
(FYI - For those interested in my previous submissions, you can find them at http://blogs.myspace.com/axstivers)

Okay, on to today's subject matter.
According to the 'Twitter-verse', a good portion of you took a peek at the car chase involving the Houston Police and Harris County Sheriffs' Departments, and two perps rolling in a white Dodge Caravan. This 90 minute event was carried live by all the major news nets in addition to the locals. Seems like we as a culture will never become jaded to 'cop drama' - taped or live. But as I watched this chase, I began to take into mind the large audience that quickly jumped aboard, and the crazy marketing opportunities that could spawn out of something like this. So, after some thought, I have put together a few hypotheticals...

1. "This Ain't Your Mom's Caravan" - This has to be the easiest spin to come out of today's chase. Chrysler may be struggling financially, but it looks like their vehicles can really perform when required. I mean, the majority of police chases often see the perp vehicle breaking down from the rigors of police pursuit, but this Dodge handled the experience like a champ... and I do mean 'handled'. Not only did that van effortlessly cruise along the Beltway at around 100 mph, but managed to "dodge" the slower traffic with ease. And let's not forget the 10+ U-turns, dekeing around "stopsticks" and the curb-jumping. It even took a nice shot right the sliding door from a patrol car. If I were Chrysler, I'd be on the phone with my MD. "Grab Life by the Horns" (When you're not grabbing pavement with a HPD officer on top of you).

2. "Stopsticks, Stopsticks, Stopsticks" - Okay, first off, in no way am I one to put down the police. Many of my friends are in law enforcement, I greatly appreciate what they have to go through for us, and my father served for a state agency. Also, I understand that because of past pursuits, the HPD and area departments have had to rewrite a more conservative rulebook when it comes to chases. But if I had to take anything away from this chase, it is that there is a need for a more effective method for "stopstick deployment." Someone in product development needs to get on the ball quickly in order to reap benefits from this, because the entire audience saw two embarrassing 'whiffs' by officers trying to throw those stopsticks in front of the van.

3. Harris County Toll Road Authority - Sugar Land to Greenspoint in under 20 minutes?? Enough said. I'm SOLD!!

4. "Tow Trucks. We Help the Cops in More Ways Than One." - Did anyone else happen to see the ridiculous number of tow trucks already in the Greenspoint area when the chase was still going on? And few of them even tried to lend a hand by trying to block the Caravan. That's positive PR you can't write.

5. Greenspoint Chamber of Commerce - This actually falls on the opposite end of the marketing spectrum, as the police chase only adds to an already smudgy image for the area. When that Caravan started to linger around the mall and the hotels, Houstonians had to cringe, and then maybe grin.

Finally, I want to add something that we probably missed out on, and that's the possibility of opportunists seizing this event as a chance to promote themselves. I know it's a long shot, but I would loved to have seen one of those struggling, self-employed sales people with their product tattooed on their vehicle speeding along with the perp vehicle in order to get the free airtime. The only thing that would have made this event perfect is some poor self-promoter driving a car with either Mary Kay or MonaVie splattered all over it, getting into a fiery accident like Anthony Kiedis and Flea in 'The Chase'.

"Monster Madness!"

All in all, it was good to see the HPD come out as winners is all of this. But I'm telling you, there's always more that can come out, too. Marketers, you just have to be open-minded.

AX