Suppressing the 'Softball Guy' In Me

Some of you who have chatted me up in the past year or perhaps have seen my posts on Facebook probably know that I play a little softball here in Austin. It's something that I enjoy doing a lot, and many times it is the highlight of my day after work. But it wasn't until last week that a criticism was thrown in the direction of my team, and I seemed to take it a little personally (hence, sparking an inward observation on how I play and how I approach the game).

Here's an attempt at a long story short.
Back in April I was invited to play on a team called the JuggerNutz - which fielded two co-ed teams that come out each week to have fun, but still liked to win. So, one could say that this team liked to have players that had moderate skill.

Earlier in the fall, the team was registered into a league division (Novice-Medium) that we felt was suited to our teams competitive groove. However, in order to field a full division, the city consolidated our group with another group from a more Novice division. So, the JuggerNutz began winning games at pretty significant margins. It was also about this time when the previous "team manager/coach" stepped down and handed the reins over to me. It was in the most recent game (accompanied by a double-digit lead) that someone from the opposing team started chirping about my team taking the game too seriously. Basically, he was describing us as players without a conscience - another term for "Softball Guy."

We'll get back to the details about that game in a second. But first, I want my readers to know exactly what and who "Softball Guy" is, and why I considered this an insult.

Some of you might like to check out this article from 2 years ago, An Ode to Softball Dude, by a columnist with the humor website joesportsfan.com.

I prefer the descriptions made by Jim Rome.

So, I felt that I would take a chance and compare some of the elements of a "Softball Guy" with a truthful assessment of my own approach to the game, and I will allow you to decide the degree of 'douchiness' I fall into. I will also let you know about this opposing team making the accusations and how my team reacted. So, let's start with the simple things...

1. "Softball Guy" is usually in his late-twenties, thirties, or early forties.
I am 28 years old, so I do fall into this category. But every time I get out to the ballpark I do come across a game where all the players are in the upper range of this group. And they have tempers.

2. "Softball Guy" plays in 3-4 leagues in the same season.
I am currently only playing on two teams, but they are both co-ed. However, back in the summer I played on both those teams and on a third in a men's league. So, I'm sorta guilty on this one.

3. "Softball Guy" owns a triple-lined titanium bat that cost at least $350.
There is absolutely no way that I would consider shelling out that kind of cash for equipment I'd only use twice a week. Instead, I look for bargains. The closest thing that resembles this description is the Worth "Jeff Hall" Amp bat that I found on clearance at a Dick's Sporting Goods. Regular price: $169.99. I bought it for $99.99. Still a little pricey, but I was tired of hearing strange noises whenever I made contact with my previous bat, a $25 Easton I bought 7 years ago for intramurals at SHSU.

4. "Softball Guy" wears baseball pants.
Last time I checked, it was co-ed softball, so for me it's gonna be just shorts or nothing at all. However, I still kinda shake my head at the guys who wear blue jeans. I will make an exception, though. Guys who play in Senior Leagues can wear pants. If you've been playing for that long, you deserve to wear whatever the hell you feel like. Also, I will pardon people who have skin conditions.

5. "Softball Guy" is another form of "Angry Young Overcompetitive Guy."
I'm glad to say that I do not belong in this category. "Angry Young Guy" is the one who comes out every game with a chip on his shoulder and a wound up temper ready to explode, because he's trying to prove something to either himself or the people he imagines are watching him, because he was pushed around a little too much in the past. Back when I was a hockey coach, these types were easy to spot - probably because we put a hockey stick in their hands, and they began to use it liberally around the rink. In fact, the coaches and I actually made fun of this type of player. We called it "Little Man Syndrome." We had to put these kids on a leash during games. Unfortunately there's no legal form to do that in adult co-rec softball.

6. "Softball Guy" knows his career batting average.
At the end of the night, I'll probably recap on whether I went 3-for-4 at the plate or 3-for-5. But by the time I make it back home I completely forget. Hell, sometimes I can't even remember who the leadoff man is for the other team when I'm out in the field. I seem to have short and long-term memory loss when it comes to softball. Meanwhile, I see other players remember how a pitcher tossed to them three seasons ago.

7. "Softball Guy" gripes about the scoreboard being behind.
I did this ONCE, and then I realized right then and there how much of a douche-move it was. I now don't even look at the scoreboard, except to see how much time there's left in the game.

8. "Softball Guy" takes a strike and 'works the count'.
I have to admit I actually do this, but I'm not out there to 'work the count.' Sometimes I like to wait for a good looking pitch. These days, I'm swinging on the first pitch more often than not. But back in the summer I would work it up to a full count and draw more walks than hits. Back then, I thought it was smart softball. But in the league we're playing in now, I will NEVER walk. I'd rather hit a grounder and force the infield to make the play.

9. "Softball Guy" spends hours before each game at the batting cages.
Nope. Too expensive. And it's overkill. Besides, look what I'm doing now. I'm writing a goofy blog, and my game tonight starts in 3 hours.

10. "Softball Guy" plays "entrance music" for his walkup to the plate.
I do bring an iPod and the speakers to the game. But, it's for the team's benefit. I start the playlist and let it roll through the entire game. You can't call me on this one. Haha!

So, looking back at this summary, I can deduce that maybe I have a little bit of "Softball Guy" in me. But believe me, that's the last thing I want to be. I just want to be a guy who goes out there to have some fun and plays hard, but not to the point to where it's embarrassing to both teams. I like getting hits. I like making catches. But I realize that the more a person plays softball, the better the chances are for that person to become that "Guy". So, it's my personal mission to keep it cool and just go out and play without trying to make a statement. Not that I did stuff like that before.

So, back to last week's game. It pains me to say that the final score was 25-4. But it wasn't our team's mission to win like that. We were actually rooting for the other team to make plays in order to come back into bat. And when they did swing, we were hoping for them to make good contact for a well placed hit. At one point, my teammate Jay asked if I wanted him to pop out in order to move the game along. And I answered him with an emphatic "Yes! Please!"

Other batters on the team swung at the first pitch, whether it was a good or a bad one. I told the team to not take walks. We made most efforts to keep the game close and not get out of hand. Unfortunately, their skill level just couldn't come up with that magic to make the game just a tiny bit closer.

But as I watched the other team play, I realized that perhaps it wasn't their lack of skills alone that were the source of their problems. There were some signs that some of the players out there didn't really know "why" they were out there. Maybe some of them signed up with a different game in mind. Perhaps some of them were dragged out there by others. I could actually see a couple players in the field with actual 'confused' looks on their faces, as if to say "What am I doing here?"

And as it turns out, the one player on the other team who started chirping about us taking the game too seriously... his attitude started to deteriorate. He basically blinked at a foul ball that was grounded in his direction. He didn't even make a move to retrieve it when it stopped just 8 feet from him. A teammate from the dugout had to come out and throw it back to our pitcher. Also, other grounders that were hit in his direction at 3rd base were only given a mediocre attempt at being fielded before going about their way into the outfield.

So, as I observed this guy's behavior - his frustration with his teammates, and his negative attitude toward the game - I began to notice that I was actually seeing the conception between a "guy who thinks he's good but isn't" and "angry young guy."

And it was right there when I realized that I had just witnessed the unholy birth of a new breed of "Softball Guy."

AX

Observe and Report

Perhaps it's my journalism background, but I keep finding myself searching for sense in a lot of things. Either that, or I'm watching too many "police dramas" on TV. So, I tend to make quite a lot of observations. Some of them serious, others funny, but mostly extremely random.

For example, after watching the movie 'Footloose' recently, I came to the conclusion that if you take a population of a small town and deprive the teenagers from music and dancing, the girls in that town will become complete psychos. Compared to staring down an oncoming train and straddling open highway between a car and a pickup truck going 55 mph, that makes the "capital 'C'" crazies on VH1 reality shows look like etiquette instructors.

Also, there seems to be a trend forming in the world of prime time television: shows that are titled after the main character whose name is based after some sort of building.

FOX is riding high with "House."


ABC is winning more fans with the increasingly popular "Castle."


So I figured that I need to start developing a show of my own based on this fad before it runs out of steam. Here's the concept:

"Deep in the forest, there are many things that go bump in the night: Dangerous wildlife... Poachers... the Mob dumping bodies... dwarves mining for diamonds... Kids with matches. That's why this fall, this Park Ranger is doling out permits for punishment. Samantha Mathis returns to the wild to reprise her role as the park ranger from 'Broken Arrow', but with a different name, in a show critics call 'confusing.' She stamps out wilderness crime in addition to stamping your National Parks passport. She's Patricia 'CABIN', US Forest Service. Catch an all new 'CABIN', Fridays on FOX."

Be on the lookout for my other show pitches: "CONDO" and "SHED."

All right, on the actual reason I'm writing this. I have to somehow tie this in with advertising. So, here we go...

The holiday season is coming around, and once again high-tech gadgets are going to be the hot item. Also, it's been quite some time since the last version of the iPhone came out (6 months, right?). So all these mobile phone/device companies not named Apple or Blackberry, have been waiting in the reeds developing their state-of-the-art tablet devices ready to finally dive back into the smart phone market. Nokia is coming out with the N900 (nice name, BTW). Motorola is currently showing off its new Droid.

Now, the reason this is interesting is because AT&T and Apple are such good buddies when it comes to contracts, the blue orb is going to be limited to what it can offer when it comes to smart phones that compete with the iPhone. Meanwhile, Verizon is going to be in good position to offer the Droid, Nokias, and especially the menacing Storm II from Blackberry.

And this, children, is why you are seeing attack ads from Verizon in their new campaign: "There's a Map for that." It's the official start of an ad war between Verizon and the company that can't decide whether their official color is orange or blue.

This is significant for me, because it calls up many memories of annoyance from the 90's. I am alluding to the long-distance wars between MCI and AT&T. My teenage years were bombarded with questions coming through my TV and my phone asking if I wanted to switch or if I was happy with my long-distance service. It was brutal!

On top of that, the same two phone companies realized that it was easier for people to use long-distance service by calling collect, starting a new battle in the phone wars starring MCI's 1-800-COLLECT and AT&T's 1-800-CALL-ATT. Thus introducing a new breed of annoying television advertising: outlandish comedians. Carrot Top had a portable pay phone. David Arquette ran around wearing a keypad on his chest. Probably both performers' best work ever. Meanwhile, MCI went overboard by featuring every relevant B celebrity from 1989 to 1995.




Back to the present. I am actually giddy to see if AT&T answers back to Verizon in the form of an attack ad, instead of the threat of legal action. It will be the sweet corporate jousting match I expect in all my holiday seasons.

Oh, funny side note. Verizon is actually part of what MCI used to be. So it seems that the formerly vanquished long-distance company is coming back to retribution.

So, hug your mobile devices, everyone. They're about to become even more obsolete. But let's at least enjoy the carnage that will come out of the new phone wars, before they start to get REALLY annoying.

Oh yes, and make sure to catch the spin off I'm already creating from 'Cabin'. "Cottage" comes out next Spring.

Take care.

AX