***NOTE*** - This is a blog entry from November 22, 2006 from one of my former blog sites. I've added it to this site to prove that I can be topical every now and then. Enjoy!
All right, pull up a chair because this one's gonna be a doozy. As you may know, my work allows me to access many of the news stories around the world that fall through some of the cracks, but not all of them. Well, several events came up today that stirred up this diluted pot that I call a brain, and with it being laundry day (again), I found the time to rant about them. I'll try to keep 'em funny, and clean as possible. So here we go...
With Thanxgivin' around the corner, many of the topics have to center around the travel that goes with it. Sure enough, with the panicky nut jobs that are influencing the policymakers, a trip on an airliner isn't the afternoon picnic that it once was. Yes, I know that we have a whole other group of idealistic raisin-cakes to thank for that, but I think we're crossing some lines, here.
It appears that even KISSING on a plane is enough to get you and your lady knocked onto the taxiway. This was sparked by a couple on a Southwest flight outta L.A., where the guy had his face pressed against the lap of his significant other. No one is exactly sure of whether he was trying to listen to her fallopian tubes or simply taking a nap, but it was apparently making someone else uncomfortable (or probably jealous). That couple was kicked to the jetway by officials citing the Patriot Act. What kind of crap is this?? I've been busted many times for PDA, but never had I seen someone wave a government document at me telling me to break it up! If anyone sees something like that in the Patriot Act, please underline it and send it to me.
Are people that uptight on a plane that seeing someone else getting to first base is going to inspire them to get them kicked off? I can see it now...
"Those damn kids in front of me can't keep their hands off each other. Well, they won't be making it to Vegas today if I have anything to say about it!"
Take it easy, pops! Those kids are doing the most ideal thing to make a long-ass plane ride seem remotely enjoyable. Think about the last time you made out. It seemed like 10 minutes, right? But then you check the clock on the wall and two hours have past (Yeah, that's how I work it). That uptight guy is just jealous because those people are cozy with one another and he's stuck between a dude he doesn't want to brush up against and another person who belongs in two cabin seats instead of one.
Another topic that has come up in the news is the boycott of Delta Airlines by a group of mothers. A breastfeeding mom was kicked off a plane not too long ago after refusing a blanket offered by a flight attendant to cover up the act. Now, moms, dads, and kids are forming 'sit-ins' across the country at Delta ticket counters to protest. I know that there are people out there who say that those kind of personal moments are best kept at home and out of the public view. But for me, a guy who has sat beside, behind, and in front of many crying babies, I'm all for it when it's on a plane. I will never be grossed out by a mom breastfeeding, because I know that's probably the only thing keeping that little bugger from screaming between takeoff and landing. Shoot, if they ever ask me again if I want an aisle or a window seat, I'm just going to respond by saying: "You know of any breastfeeding mothers on board?"
That reminds me. Airlines are always asking what kind of seat that you like, but you never know many of the details. To me, all seats are the same two and a half foot wide torture chairs. But if I knew that there was a hottie sitting in Row 13, Seat B, you know I'd be the first in line clamoring for the seat right next to her.
And don't say that you're not that shallow. I guarantee that everyone reading this has looked an attractive member of the opposite sex up and down while first boarding a plane. For me, I make it a point to. Because the SkyMall magazine isn't gonna entertain me for the next two hours. But having some eye candy to think about the entire way makes for an enjoyable trip.
Which brings me back to those hypocrites who hate on the nookie on the planes. Let's not forget that they are the generation who brought us the "Mile High Club."
Finally, another bothersome bunch of creatures are now making it really hard to be a Muslim and on a plane at the same time. A group of six passengers (who just so happened to be Muslim) were booted off a plane in Minnesota because someone passed a flight attendant a note. The gist of the note explained that the men were praying and it was making other passengers nervous. Are people so stupid and scared that anyone who bows their head during departure is immediately a terrorist? Hey, I myself have been known to say a few words to God while the plane is taxiing. It doesn't make me an enemy against America. I just want to get from Point A to Point B in one piece. Is that too much to ask for? Just to be a sarcastic ass, the next time I see someone clutching a crucifix and whispering on a plane, I'll speak up: "Hey buddy. Knock that stuff off or I'm getting the stewardess."
Let the people pray, for cryin' out loud. That's how you know that they're not terrorists. The last thing that those people want to do is draw attention to themselves. You want to kick someone off a plane? Go after the shady looking character with the unibrow not saying anything who keeps looking at his watch every two minutes. BTW, you don't have to be Muslim to be a victim of these scared inbred imbeciles. An Orthodox Jewish man was kicked off an Air Canada flight for praying, which attendants claim was making other passengers nervous.
Finally, let's reminisce about the good times of travelling, back when people dressed in their Sunday best and kept to their own damn selves. Now, you've got these sweaty beasts wearing just a thin layer of officially licenced NASCAR t-shirt, and all they want to do is interrogate the person next to them. And half of those people want movies to be made after them, so they think they're gonna pull off the nicer version of 'Flight 93': where the terrorists are taken down but the plane doesn't leave the ground.
Trouble is, there are hardly any terrorists on planes these days. They don't need to be, seeing as how we've made air travel dangerous enough with our own paranoia.
AX
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