Introducing UFC2: Ultimate Finch Fighting Championships

For some insane reason there are still people out there who get their jollies out of seeing animals dismantle each other. On top of that, they have to sully God's gift of gambling and throw that into the mix, too.

Fortunately, sometimes we can do something about it. Michael Vick (or as I fondly refer to him as Ron Mexico) is still feeling the sting from the 'tough love' of NFL commish Roger Goodell as he is conditionally reinstated to the league after he was punished for his own 'tough love' on the performers of his dog-fighting ring.

On the other hand, it's a sad fact that there will probably always be underground cock-fighting circuits. As long as you have a large enough group of twisted individuals, you're always going to have a draw for those events. Just think of how the donkey shows have survived for so long.

But imagine my disbelief when I read something I thought was much stranger than any of the sordid events listed above. In Connecticut, 19 people were arrested and over 150 small birds were seized, as police stormed a home in New Haven and broke up a "finch fighting ring."

We're talking tiny birds. Canaries, saffron finches and other small birds were put up against each other. Reports said that around $8,000 was exchanged in the gambling side of it all.

Wow. So this is what the world has come to. Not that I mean the Earth in general is going nuts. We all know that nature - in all its beauty and splendor - provides to us some of the most violent and brutal animal battles in the name of sustenance, mating rights and territorial domination. Simple things. Also, it's a known fact that birds typically don't like each other. I grew up watching cardinals and blue jays battle it out for seed on my front porch. But geez, never would I have thought to call up 18 other Brazilian dudes and have them over for a nice Sunday afternoon of watching 'Woodstock' and 'Tweety Bird' going at it.

After I offered this story up for some friends, my buddy Sean from Corpus Christi responded with a concept that I also had running around in my head.

"Here comes the UFFC. The Ultimate Finch Fighting Championships! I can see it
now, a little octagon made of woven sticks and a little chicken wire."

Not a bad idea. But that league will need a nice card for opening night or else it will tank like EliteXC. So here are a few decent match ups I think might draw attention.

Fight #1: Three-Way Tag Team Match

'The Three Caballeros' vs. 'The Goodfeathers'

Despite the back alley upbringing of Bobby, Squit and Pesto, I have to give this match to the 'Caballeros'. Roosters already have a fighter's reputation, ducks are known to be feisty, and I myself have battle scars from run-ins with parrots.

Fight #2: 'Woody Woodpecker'' vs. 'Road Runner'

To most analysts, this would be a "push". It's tough to pick a winner between all-out speed versus all-out tenacity. But considering that the 'Runner' has been outwitting a super-genius coyote for 50 years, I'd have to give this fight to the speedy one.

Fight #3: 'Heckle and Jeckle' vs. 'The Crows from "Dumbo"'

The magpies are pretty slick, but if this thing turns into a street fight, you gotta go with the Crow. There's five of them.

Fight #4: UFC2 Championship

'Henery the Chicken Hawk' vs. 'The Twitter Bird'

It's either the best pound-for-pound small bird fighter against the mascot of the most popular social media site at the time. Push.

All kidding aside, I certainly hope that the recent publicity of such a strange and grim case of animal cruelty doesn't spark a mad dash for small cage birds for the purposes of fighting. It's fun to see a bird pecking at a cat or dog, but not at each other for sport.

And as for the Ron Mexico fiasco, I have a thing to say to all those writers and apologists who think the NFL's reinstatement plan is unfair to Michael Vick. Grow up and realize that we're not just talking about a guy who killed dogs. We're talking about a sadist who got pleasure out of his crimes, because he felt that it was a necessary part of his new gangster lifestyle. Those types of criminals do not belong in the league or deserve the free passes that most athletes get. Those apologists want to stop at the dogfighting argument. What else might have Vick been responsible for if he wasn't checked on this?

Okay, I'm climbing down from my soapbox now.

Well gang, thank you for reaching this point of the blog and tolerating my silly concepts. You are all good people.